Approaching Week Three

Trigger warning: I write because I am a story teller and a chronicler, and that is how I process the important things in life, and this has import on every level.

Being a writer and researcher, I know how to find information. But I've been surprised to find the "Five Stages of Grief" have been upgraded to the "Seven ..." (I'm also working on a new ThinkPad my beloved gave me that has the @ and " transposed so forgive me if I get them mixed.)

So, I'll try to take them one by one, in the upgraded version.

SHOCK & DENIAL

Yeah, we're all going through this.

I can only imagine what this feels like for everyone else as I was there and understood instantly but am still in denial. I wake from dreams of us together and have to face, again, that he is gone.

As for shock - I've had to force myself to eat as each time I take a bite of anything, I want to puke. I'm back at yoga, and thankful that my yoga community understands if I have tears streaming down my face as I practice.

It's really hard being in "the now" when all you want is in the past.

PAIN & GUILT

Lots of this also.

What could I have done better? What could I have done differently? Would it have helped if I'd been less understanding?

I think I'm dealing with this one - the damage wasn't on my watch and he was improving with me. I have to hold on to how much happier and positive I made him.

But also be careful not to blame others (see next step, Anger).

ANGER & BARGAINING

This one is so, so hard.

Of course I'm angry, as is everyone who loved this sweet, incredibly lovable man.

I've had this anger directed at me, I've been "handled", I've been disrespected and belittled and swept under the carpet.

Being Irish-Maori, my reflex is to fight back and bite back, but that is no way to honour him.

Taking the high road, loving him, is what honours him..

As for bargaining, I realised when I woke that he was dead.

There was no bargain to be made.

"DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS

I'm leaving this alone for now.

I need to step away from this right now, to care for myself

OK, I'm back. Still waking around 0300 each morning to the sadness that is missing him.

The loneliness of knowing he existed and how good we were together is deeper than any loneliness I could have imagined before knowing him.

We had all too brief a time together. He died exactly eight weeks to the day that we met, but we spent most of those hours together. We understood each other, from our first crazy conversation to finishing each others sentences and responding to others in the same manner.

Being such a new relationship, we were in deep and wallowing in our joy in finding each other, when we had both given up on finding love again. We had occasional disagreements, but were very much in a honeymoon phase, planning for a healthy, happy life together.

Most of my memories of and with him were happy, and almost all were positive. I only wish we'd had time to become a little bored with each other but that's a luxury we didn't get.

As for depression, I'd very recently been diagnosed with mineral imbalances and a DNA strand mutation that present as depression, and prescribed activated minerals to supplement what my body was unable to get from food. With the agreement of my doctor, I stopped taking antidepressants, although the doctor warned that the withdrawal would be horrendous.

It was, and Steve helped me through it, the way he tried to help everyone he met.

He had an appointment the morning he died with that same doctor as I hoped the answer might be as simple and complex for him also.

The fact that I'm so deeply sad and broken but not "depressed" is proof that the mineral supplements are working, but I'm being self-aware and monitoring my mood and have reached out for bereavement counselling.

Yoga also helps.

THE UPWARD TURN

This seems a long way down the path, and it's a lonely path to walk.


RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH

I am working on this already.

I took a low-stress low-paid job where I could help people but leave the job behind at the end of the day so I could focus on our relationship and trying to help Steve recover.

That's no longer my focus so I need more challenge in my day, while still helping others.

I've applied for something that has purpose and would also bring all my skills into play, and a dear cousin has told me of a possibility in her small town at the gateway to the Outback. I'm willing to talk with the publisher of the local paper there.

Back again, life keeps getting in my way. I don't want to overanalyse that statement right now.

ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

At this point, I have lost sight of hope. I can possibly see acceptance and peace somewhere further along this journey, but hope seems far too, well, hopeful.