dances with demons . . .

a friend killed himself and I got the news last week

we weren't friends while we worked together but should have been, but were each so engrossed in dancing with our own demons that we forgot other people had them also

five or more years later, he sent me an angry note and, surprisingly, that led to a level of sharing we didn't have when we worked together

his choice breathed life into my own demons - I looked at my life and didn't like what I saw or who I had become. truth be told, I've never really liked me

my response was to break up, in a no-return fashion, two unhealthy friendships I was in, clean my kitchen and look for the exit door. it isn't as easy to find if you know your demons well enough for your healthier side to not allow pharmaceuticals in the home and you have seen enough spilled blood in your lifetime to have an aversion to spilling it yourself

plus, there was a cat I was minding, friends coming to visit and a job I want to do well

I have a friend who hasn't given up smoking but has successfully postponed his next cigarette for many years now - I'm trying to do the same with the last waltz

and life is grand - messy, complicated, painful and challenging

I was rescued this morning, and will need rescuing more than once, by an 11-year-old with ADHD who was so self-aware and amazing that he gave me the courage I pretend to