"Suicide is Painless"

Sorry family, I know you don't want me to write about this, but I loved her also

"Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see... "


I remember coming home from school at age 8 to see an ambulance outside and watch my mother be wheeled into it on a stretcher. I went to the bathroom and saw blood everywhere. My aunts and uncles gathered us up and took us away, and told us our mother went to hospital with the flu.


I believed that, for many years.


"I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's too late, and...

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say"

I loved my mother. I fought with her constantly, mainly because I blamed her for my father leaving, but I loved her. I still do. And wherever I go in this wonderful wide world, I wish she were there to share it. She's not.

"The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin"

It's ANZAC Day here, where we revere our veterans. My mother fought her own war. I wish I appreciated that while she was here.

I've spent the day watching video of friends I've lost, and thinking of those I never really knew. Steve Thorpe, Ritchie Pickett, Mona Olive Lowe.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry the world wasn't there for you.

But suicide isn't painless, that's just a song