Memories

My love,

I miss you so much. I constantly notice things and file them away to tell you at the end of the day to make you laugh, then remember that won't happen.

I miss your love for your son and the pride you had in him and I'm so sorry that the first time I will get to meet him is today as we say goodbye to you.

If we speak, I will follow the plan we agreed on and simply be one of his Dad's many friends. He will always come first in any future dealings I have with your family.

I miss the constant missed calls and voicemails because you could never quite understand work hours and phone rules.

I miss the intelligent conversations and the silly humour and the huge amount of care you had for everyone, especially the damaged souls you met at the clinic.

I miss lying beside you as you talked at length with your mother and sister and I ache for the pain they are also suffering and the anger they must feel at the world right now.

I miss the future we had planned together and feel lost at how to move forward without you, but will do so one step at a time knowing that is what you would expect of me. As we discussed with your recovery, baby steps grow exponentially to become giant strides. I only wish we had met earlier to start those baby steps while there was still time.

I am devastated by your passing and the trauma of being there through it, but feel blessed to have brought happiness back into your life and to have been there when you and your family most needed me.

I'm so glad it wasn't hard for you - you fell asleep knowing how much you were loved and having spent the evening planning your son's future, your recovery and our future together, and you were finally at peace with the steps you needed to take for all of that. That you didn't wake is heartrending but for those of us left behind, not for you.

I know you had lost faith and you know I distrust religion, but I believe we carry those we love with us forever, and you will always be the gentlest, kindest, most loving part of who I am.

I am honoured to have been your love.