home . . .

It's been difficult coming home - my fault mainly

 

home

həʊm/

noun

noun: home; plural noun: homes

1. the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.
2. an institution for people needing professional care or supervision.

So here are some thoughts on the arrival:

Humility
There's nothing quite like coming home thinking you might be something or someone (lol) to get that knocked out of you.

My country is really good at knocking the confidence out of you, then giving it back in a whole different way

 Silence
I love the silence. I have missed the silence. But it takes time to be able to sleep with that vacuum.

Noise
I'm sure there must be a more Jedi way of saying this, but silence cannot exist without noise.

Sometimes, when a car comes roaring around the corner and spins out, or I hear women being abused in the car park at the local supermarket, I feel that is a whole other level of silence.

AND it needs to be addressed

oops, this next one is awkward

Hupermasculinity 

I love my brothers, and uncles and nephews, but damn, Aotearoa favors entities with penises

as does most of the world - I just expected better of my whenua

and, I have no right to critique, because i chose not to live here

Awhi and Aroha

and then, this is what matters

the aunties, the cuzzies, the people who care about you because you are whanau (family), or might be whanau, or just care about you anyway

the people who matter are the ones you choose

awhi and aroha

le sigh . . .

I was sorta scolded yesterday for the lack of original copy here

Sorry Dear Reader, I had nothing much to say

"Woke up, ate, walked, went to gym, watched tv, went to bed."

Rinse and repeat

There's a whole 20-30 years away disconnect that leaves me agog at times, and a need to accept that the country and culture has changed, not just me

It's not a criticism, but it can be hard to say without it feeling that way

Then I got a job, because living on a sofa watching tv doesn't work for me, and I've been in full immersion since then, and it's hard. I didn't really belong when I grew up here, so coming back after so long is even harder

BUT, and there's always a but with me, this is my home, I am tangata whenua, this is where I belong. I'm stubborn enough to stay here until I feel that in my bones, in my marrow, in my wairua

I need to write more, I have lots to write and lots of notes, but this weekend is mapped out for a more important plan

Jeff - criticize all you want. I understand it's not an attack but a questioning and it would be extremely hypocritical of me to not welcome questions. Hugs and pats to the girls