Supercut

in my head

i play a supercut of us

the magic we gave off

all the love we had and lost 

and in my head

the visions never stop

these ribbons wrap me up

but when i reach for you

there's just a supercut

Lorde, Supercut from Melodrama 

Grief colours everything.

The most mundane activities are imbued with meaning - catching a tram, shopping, cooking (I haven't really managed cooking for the past month, it was something we did together and for friends. I'm concentrating on feeding myself regularly instead).

More important matters than bare survival have greater meaning.

Music was a large part of our time together.

My love would quiz me on who songs were by, but his background was Brit boy bands so I seldom knew.

I did recognise Spandau Ballet but that was from my misspent late teens as a roadie for touring cover bands in Aotearoa.

I tried to expand his musical knowledge with a Kiwi flavour, concentrating on meaningful lyrics, harmonies and the good old "Maori strum."

I introduced him to Dave Dobbyn (Welcome Home), the Mutton Birds (Dominion Road), and the Runga gals.

He already knew Crowded House and Better Be Home Soon, and we were talking about him going home to recover with his family.

The brevity of our time together makes everything a Supercut, although not in the literal sense.

There's no need to pick the best clips of our time together - that was our time together.

'cause in my head I do everything right

when you call I'll forgive and not fight

because ours are the moments I play in the dark

we were wild and flouorescent

come home to my heart

I took him to Breakup Karaoke at the premiere for The Breaker Upperers 

I was relying on my dear friend Zach to be there, but he forgot, so it was only me.

"Lovely" (his pet name for me when it wasn't "helpie horsie") got up to sing first, because somebody has to.

I came back to him telling me my voice was awful, but he loved my spirit. I could live with that.

i'm someone you maybe might love

i'll be your quiet afternoon crush

be your violent overnight rush

make you crazy over my touch

I also introduced him to Lorde.

I miss him so very, very much